Thai me up

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.

I start to write then...delete, not knowing how to put into words the depth of discouragement I have felt.

The months have been up and down.

One of the highlights has been

Thai Food Night.

Andrew and I love cooking together.

It's fun and romantic.

We decided to let the kids each pick out their own Thai recipe.

Then we drove down to our local Asian Market.

What an experience!  

The produce was piled in large heaps along the wall, the aisles were lined with jars and cans with unusual wrappings.  Half of them I could identify, the other half was just guess work.  It was good exposing the kids to such a different experience than what they're used to.  It sure brings understanding and compassion for others. 

Once we were back home,

one-at-a-time we had a kid come into the kitchen to prepare and cook their dish.

They learned to read and follow directions...

to handle a knife properly...

and to maintain good sanitary habits.

Then, the dish was taste-tested and enjoyed!!

...or not.

Joshua loves shrimp.  He got to learn how to de-vein them:

Beautiful and yummy.

Jeremy loved seeing his recipe idea go from paper, to store, to cooking to ...eating!

Yes, I know I'm not in any of the pictures!!  That's because my main job was to wash, clean, wipe down, clean, sweep, wash, and of course...eat!

going green

After my craniotomy I felt very depleted of vitamins and nutrients.  

During the surgery I was pumped up with drugs, and then for a week or two afterwords felt soaked in them.
I couldn't eat vegetables or fruit for over a month because my jaw pain was too immense. 
But I needed to replenish my body with those essential vitamins.  What to do?

Go green.

 Every morning I combine:

Kale -1 or 2 leaves

Spinach- 2 or 3 cups

1 apple

5 baby carrots

2 t. flax

I put in all in a blender.

 

Adding a few ice cubes to step up the taste.

The taste:

I'd be lying if I said the taste was amazing, or delicious. 
It took a while to get used to it. 
It's not sweet like a fruit smoothie, but has a very fresh and cool flavor.
It has grown on me.

After  1 1/2 months of the same thing for b-fast every morning I've started adding other things to my potion:

cucumbers

blueberries 

celery

Orange

What keeps me going back to it every morning is the HUGE nutritional value...

And there is NO way 

I could eat that many vegetables  

(especially without salad dressing) 

every day. 

So, I'm staying green...

touching life with my fingertips

It's been difficult to adjust to the "normal" world. 

I've ventured out and tried to increase normal activity slowly but it's been treacherously slow. 

Maybe the hardest part is that outwardly I look like I'm back to my old self, and often times I feel like I could be back to it also.  But my eyes and head just don't want to cooperate.  

If I talk too much, 

          think too hard, 

                move too fast, 

                     or am out of the house too long 

my eye muscles hurt, my head throbs, and my head wants to burst with exhaustion.

Honestly, it's down-right frustrating to feel like "life" is at my fingertips 

yet not be able to take hold of it.

This past month has been a very lonely one.

My house has felt like a prison.   If I go out of the house for too long it increases the stress of coping with the pain and so back into the house I must go.  The first month & 1/2 was easy staying home.  But this last month I'm like a horse jumping at the bit to get back on the course of life.

Just the past few weeks I've been able to start driving during the day.  That has added a lot of freedom and yet has been discouraging because, although the pain is bearable, I cannot do much.

There ARE mornings though

           I wake up and have courage to face the day.

                     I look at the little moments that can place purpose into the mundane day.

                                  And I can see visible expressions of God's love for me.


But then after a few days, discouragement sets in
               I'm crying alone.
                           My kids are wishing I wasn't in pain.
                                         My husband is worn out from carrying the load of the family and doing everything in his power to help me ...and yet still sees me remain in pain.


The only thing that has kept me from crossing into Crazy Land is remembering.

Remembering to trust my Loving Father who provides, and knows, and satisfies all my needs.
Remembering to be thankful for the little things.
Remembering WHO I have around me.
Remembering to have compassion for others in pain.
Remembering that God will care for my family.
Remembering....

One Month later

It has been a month.

So much progress.

I really don't like putting pictures of myself on here but I thought I should give you a picture that shows how much things have improved:

 Successful comb-over

Funny story:

One of the neighborhood kids saw me with my comb-over and exclaimed, "your hair grew back!"

:)

Here's the incision now, still crusty but slowly disappearing.   It's not painful.  The hair shaved is beginning to grow.  The portion of skin/muscle between the incision and my eye was VERY tender & swollen but is now just tender.

How's this for comparison: 

 WOW!

Do you see where they stapled onto my ear?!  

That is still sore.

The Bell's Palsy is improving.  My last post I mentioned that I no longer had to gauze shut my eye.  But at that point my eyes were still extremely sore and I had to constantly shut them or keep my eyes down.
NOW I can actually look at people when they talk to me.  :)   The muscles behind the eyes are not as sore, at least in the morning (by evening they still get very achy).  I can see because I don't have to use eye "goo" quite so much.  I can do things!  I can watch TV and be on the computer for longer times.
The other facial muscles on my right side are half working, enough to eat and drink without constantly spewing food out of my mouth! :)

Mentally my brain is back on the right track...not the slow track anymore.  That would make the kids laugh sometimes when it took me longer than it should to do something, or when I just couldn't understand what they were saying!

Every day I walk to pick Jeremy up from school.  It's a mile round trip.  I look forward to getting out of the house, the fresh air and the gentle exercise.

It amazes me the little things that I enjoy since much of every day is the same or has been painful.  Holding onto those little smile moments are what have kept me sane.

Like sitting at the window watching the wind toss the trees around.

Eating a treat of some kind that a friend had brought over.

Chai Tea, cozy and warm.

Walking into the backyard when the sun is shining it's warmth into the chilly air.

I have a feeling that being back to "normal" is just around the corner. 

3 weeks of Thankfulness

It has been 3 weeks since my craniotomy and tumor removal.

Painful.

Long.

Unbearable.

Yet in all the pain we've had love and support by family and friends. 

God was with me.  Is with me.  Immanuel.  My sustainer, comforter, provider.

In pain there has been a perspective gained of thankfulness:
Thankful that it wasn't worse.
Thankful that I am alive.
Thankful that everyday there has been some sort of progress, no matter how slight.
Thankful that the unexpected hurdles I've had to face are not permanent, but temporary, and in the big picture mild compared to the severity of complications that could've arisen.

Thanksgiving Day my family spent the day with Andrew's parents, a tradition that we have had for years.  Watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade eating a big breakfast and enjoying just hanging out.
I stayed home and did my usual resting, reserving my strength for later.  Andrew came and got me in the afternoon and I was able to join the family for Thanksgiving Dinner. What a treat!
Honestly, it was physically painful.  My eyes were killing me.
But it was so wonderful mentally to be with the people I love!  
It was worth it.
I don't have any pictures to share with you yet.
I'm not so scary looking anymore.  :)
I'm able to do a pretty good comb-over with my hair that hides the scar.
Although make-up is still difficult to put on the eye affected by bells palsy I was able to put a bit on for thanksgiving yesterday.  It felt good to look a bit like my old self. :)

Can you hear me cheering?  This is the point I've been praying for: that this would be bearable.  Not even pain-free, just bearable.  I'm praising God!

One 1/2 Weeks After

It has been almost two weeks since the tumor came out.
There is a lot to be thankful for!

The throbbing pain has lessened a lot and is actually bearable.  Still popping pain pills on a regular basis, but at least they finally seem to make an effect.

I'm not sleeping 24/7 anymore.  I gradually moved to every 2 hours taking a 30 min nap to now I only take 2 or three naps a day.   I am sleeping on the bed, propped up, rather than sitting up on the couch.  That has made a huge difference!

My face swelling has gone down considerably.

The biggest issue we're dealing with right now is Bells Palsy as a result of surgery.  That is facial paralisis on the right side.  The main difficulty is with my right eye not blinking, drying out and continually stinging.  The muscles are all confused.  The Bells Palsy makes it impossible to close but the survival instinct of my body makes it want to close so the muscles on both eyes are continually aching and throbbing sore.

I haven't been able to update until now because of the eye issue.  I can't see long enough to type.  But I wore an eye patch to bed last night to force the eye closed so I'm hoping it will hold off the pain for a couple hours now.  :)

Starting last week I began taking walks out of the house.  A friend or family member would take me each time.  It feels so great to get out.  It has been super healthy to get my legs moving without stressing my body out.  I never imagined that I could possibly stay inside a house for 10 days straight and still be sane.  :)  Part of what makes it bearable is that outside the house represents discomfort and added pain to what I already have so my body accepts these walls as protection more than a prison.

I've had a few visitors which have lifted my spirits, let me cry and express my frustrations and who have prayed for me.


We have never felt so supported by friendship and love.  Every single person who has done something to ease us through this pain and suffering, whether it's bringing a meal, cleaning my kitchen, bringing flowers, or even just expressed their concern, prayed with us, or sent a letter...all, every little/big thing, has been a gift we have treasured deeply.

God, our Father, the One who adopted us into His own, He set up a beautiful way to care for his children.  By creating the "body", the church.   Grouping us together to love and care for one another.  Loving each other through tragedy, walking with each other through difficulty, bearing one another's burdens. 

Thank you for helping us to bear this.

new indian name: Sitting Girl

Sitting on my rear since Thursday has taken it's toll on my body.  I stand up just to change positions and wiggle my legs.  But when I stand my head throbs so I'm back on the couch after a couple seconds.
Sunday Morning:

This is just the beginning of the swelling.  couldn't even attempt to open the eye, it continued to get worse until Monday and lots of icing (no, not cupcakes- that would've been yummy, but real ice in an ice pack).

If I were feeling good I would've loved to have seen what it looked like going through the airport.
My face was swollen shut, with my little elf hat, I was so drugged up that all I could do was sleep, in a wheelchair, on the floor, just sleep.  Andrew worked the brain surgery angle to get us an earlier flight and seats together.  One look at me and no one wanted to sit next to me! 

I thought coming home would be easier.
If the pain would just lesson I could handle this.
One day at a time.
I'm so hungry, but have no appetite.  The meds annoy my empty stomach...thankful for ensure and chicken soup broth...my life lines.
The kids are still with extended family, who are gifts from heaven.  They have made this possible.  I got to see the kids for a couple min the other day.  It was good exposure for them for a gradual move back home.
It's really hard to imagine your mom looking like Quasimodo from Hunchback of Notre dame.
Kind of a shock.










Andrew is an amazing husband.  Taking good care of me and patient when I ask him the same question over and over, or say things that are off the wall.

Tuesday:

Please pray that the pain can get back down.  I just can't handle this throbbing.

My face doesn't work on the right side unless I manually make it.  Like closing my eye or opening my mouth.  That will be a slow progression of healing. But I'll be okay with that..it's just I can't handle the pounding and stiff neck from pain -that is torturous.
Okay, enough wining and complaning.  :)

Thank you, thank you dear friends for praying... for your love and support through all of this.