One 1/2 Weeks After

It has been almost two weeks since the tumor came out.
There is a lot to be thankful for!

The throbbing pain has lessened a lot and is actually bearable.  Still popping pain pills on a regular basis, but at least they finally seem to make an effect.

I'm not sleeping 24/7 anymore.  I gradually moved to every 2 hours taking a 30 min nap to now I only take 2 or three naps a day.   I am sleeping on the bed, propped up, rather than sitting up on the couch.  That has made a huge difference!

My face swelling has gone down considerably.

The biggest issue we're dealing with right now is Bells Palsy as a result of surgery.  That is facial paralisis on the right side.  The main difficulty is with my right eye not blinking, drying out and continually stinging.  The muscles are all confused.  The Bells Palsy makes it impossible to close but the survival instinct of my body makes it want to close so the muscles on both eyes are continually aching and throbbing sore.

I haven't been able to update until now because of the eye issue.  I can't see long enough to type.  But I wore an eye patch to bed last night to force the eye closed so I'm hoping it will hold off the pain for a couple hours now.  :)

Starting last week I began taking walks out of the house.  A friend or family member would take me each time.  It feels so great to get out.  It has been super healthy to get my legs moving without stressing my body out.  I never imagined that I could possibly stay inside a house for 10 days straight and still be sane.  :)  Part of what makes it bearable is that outside the house represents discomfort and added pain to what I already have so my body accepts these walls as protection more than a prison.

I've had a few visitors which have lifted my spirits, let me cry and express my frustrations and who have prayed for me.


We have never felt so supported by friendship and love.  Every single person who has done something to ease us through this pain and suffering, whether it's bringing a meal, cleaning my kitchen, bringing flowers, or even just expressed their concern, prayed with us, or sent a letter...all, every little/big thing, has been a gift we have treasured deeply.

God, our Father, the One who adopted us into His own, He set up a beautiful way to care for his children.  By creating the "body", the church.   Grouping us together to love and care for one another.  Loving each other through tragedy, walking with each other through difficulty, bearing one another's burdens. 

Thank you for helping us to bear this.

Silence.

Sorry about the silence.

I have sat down to write but haven't had the energy to edit and reword things to communicate my thoughts clearly.  It also has often seemed pointless to write at all.

So I end up deleting everything I do write and thus...

silence.

But to be honest about my life I need to share even the things that are painful.  Even if I fear I cannot communicate very well.

Most people are unaware the of the spiritual and emotional pain I am going through because of my silence.  A small part of me wants to scream it out so the world knows but most of me doesn't want to take the effort to explain.  The depth and fullness is indescribable.  When someone deals with continual pain 24/7, 365 days/year it wears on one's mind, soul and body.

I thank the Lord continually that I'm surrounded by people who love me and want to understand.  I am thankful for family and friends who are a constant help.

Maybe the insanity I feel comes from the fact that I am physically function-able.  Yet unpredictably my head pain and nausea/dizziness make cause me to be un-function-able quite often.

I am beyond weary of this sickness.   Beyond weary.

I have been in pain for so long that I have gone through many stages emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I have gained perspective on life

and grown in compassion for the many, many individuals whose lives are constant pain.

My faith has been tested -will I remain steadfast in Truth, in hope?
         (It's not easy to trust God when things don't make sense or when what He has laid out for me doesn't seem to glorify Him and nor use my full potential to bring others to Christ.  My heart wants to serve God deeply but I often feel limited in my capacity.)

I've experienced a depth of
discouragement, 
       despair, 
             and hopelessness that I never thought possible to fall into.  (A result of long term pain going on day after day, after day.)

I've suffered deep grief over the effects of my pain on my family.

I've been through the crazy combination of
emotionally doubting God
             while at the same time holding onto the Truth
               that is in God's Word.

How do I explain all that?  Especially when I'm neck deep in all of it.

Thus, my silence.

BUT that is also the reason I've decided to let you in on the struggles of my life...while I'm in the middle of it all.

Have you ever watched a movie that in the beginning was great, the middle was great, then at the end the main character dies or something tragic happens? 
....it leaves you yelling at the movie, "what?!  You can't end like that!"

We want happy endings.

We want things to work out the way that seems best to us and leaves us feeling good.

Have you noticed that practically most inspirational stories are ones where tragedy has struck but they've overcome and are now living happy?
We hear about their struggles after they have passed through it and are on the other side.


Well, to be honest with you those stories have brought me to tears.  Why?  Because there is no "light at the end of the tunnel" yet for me.  I'm stuck in the middle and have had to rest in the fact that this might be my life.  Hopefully not.  Hopefully doctors will find answers.  But after 4 years of nothing I cannot keep hoping only to have those hopes dashed once again.
 

Real life does not have those story book endings.
 

Yes, to those who have trusted in Christ as their Savior our happy ending is Eternal Life in God's presence.  And nothing, nothing can compare with that.  That promise I hold onto tightly.


But really, who wants suffering all their life?  Most of us want "happy endings" even here on earth...we would even put up with "mediocre endings"...but never suffering! 


Please, don't get me wrong.  I'm not complaining.  My heart recognizes that there are situations far more tragic than my own.


I have much, MUCH to be thankful for.  That is probably the only thing that keeps me from going totally insane: positioning my thinking on thankfulness.

Although I don't feel much joy and peace right now I was reminded the other day:
often joy and peace come when I am fighting the good fight and have remained steadfast.

Overcome.  

I have not given into temptation.  I have listened to the Holy Spirit.
THAT is a reason to rejoice!

Where are you at in life?

Are you worn out?  Are the storms raging?

Have you gone through difficulty?

Remain steadfast.

Are you in a season of comfort?

  

Do you need to prepare yourself for when suffering hits?

Be ready.  

It is the only way to remain steadfast.  

I would have given up a long time ago if God had not prepared my heart for this, years ago.

Isaiah 26:3,4

The steadfast of mind Thou wilt keep in perfect peace,

Because he trusts in Thee.

Trust in the Lord forever,

For in God the Lord, we have an everlasting Rock.

2 Corinthians 2:14-15; 3:4-5

But thanks be to God, who always leads us in His triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place.

For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing...

...And such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.