I've ventured out and tried to increase normal activity slowly but it's been treacherously slow.
Maybe the hardest part is that outwardly I look like I'm back to my old self, and often times I feel like I could be back to it also. But my eyes and head just don't want to cooperate.
If I talk too much,
think too hard,
move too fast,
or am out of the house too long
my eye muscles hurt, my head throbs, and my head wants to burst with exhaustion.
Honestly, it's down-right frustrating to feel like "life" is at my fingertips
yet not be able to take hold of it.
My house has felt like a prison. If I go out of the house for too long it increases the stress of coping with the pain and so back into the house I must go. The first month & 1/2 was easy staying home. But this last month I'm like a horse jumping at the bit to get back on the course of life.
Just the past few weeks I've been able to start driving during the day. That has added a lot of freedom and yet has been discouraging because, although the pain is bearable, I cannot do much.
There ARE mornings though
I wake up and have courage to face the day.
I look at the little moments that can place purpose into the mundane day.
And I can see visible expressions of God's love for me.
But then after a few days, discouragement sets in
I'm crying alone.
My kids are wishing I wasn't in pain.
My husband is worn out from carrying the load of the family and doing everything in his power to help me ...and yet still sees me remain in pain.
The only thing that has kept me from crossing into Crazy Land is remembering.
Remembering to trust my Loving Father who provides, and knows, and satisfies all my needs.
Remembering to be thankful for the little things.
Remembering WHO I have around me.
Remembering to have compassion for others in pain.
Remembering that God will care for my family.
Remembering....
2 comments:
Praying for you, Jenn...You are a testament to God's grace. Have you ever read "Stepping Heavenward?" It may be encouragement to you...it's the fictional diary of a woman's walk through life, through many sufferings and joys, written and set in the 19th century. If it's not too hard on your eyes to read, maybe this could help pass the time?
I've been checking in here lately wondering how you are doing. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went thru a time (short though, compared to you!) that the doctors didn't know what was wrong, I was in incredible pain, etc. and it was so hard. i hate you are going through this. A shout out to you for keeping your eyes on Him and realizing there is a greater purpose. a verse my doctor shared with me in the hospital during my sickness that i loved...especially the end "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged (even when the doctors have no clue and can't fix you), for the Lord God, my God is with you (when you feel oh so lonely). He will not fail you (even when doctors do) or forsake you (when friends and family get tired of helping or sympathizing with you) UNTIL ALL THE WORK FOR THE SERVICE OF THE TEMPLE (MY BODY) OF THE LORD IS FINISHED."
It encouraged me that God WOULD heal my body eventually, and that He had a purpose for this sickness more than i could imagine. He will not stop until it is done.
Love you!! Laurie
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