touching life with my fingertips

It's been difficult to adjust to the "normal" world. 

I've ventured out and tried to increase normal activity slowly but it's been treacherously slow. 

Maybe the hardest part is that outwardly I look like I'm back to my old self, and often times I feel like I could be back to it also.  But my eyes and head just don't want to cooperate.  

If I talk too much, 

          think too hard, 

                move too fast, 

                     or am out of the house too long 

my eye muscles hurt, my head throbs, and my head wants to burst with exhaustion.

Honestly, it's down-right frustrating to feel like "life" is at my fingertips 

yet not be able to take hold of it.

This past month has been a very lonely one.

My house has felt like a prison.   If I go out of the house for too long it increases the stress of coping with the pain and so back into the house I must go.  The first month & 1/2 was easy staying home.  But this last month I'm like a horse jumping at the bit to get back on the course of life.

Just the past few weeks I've been able to start driving during the day.  That has added a lot of freedom and yet has been discouraging because, although the pain is bearable, I cannot do much.

There ARE mornings though

           I wake up and have courage to face the day.

                     I look at the little moments that can place purpose into the mundane day.

                                  And I can see visible expressions of God's love for me.


But then after a few days, discouragement sets in
               I'm crying alone.
                           My kids are wishing I wasn't in pain.
                                         My husband is worn out from carrying the load of the family and doing everything in his power to help me ...and yet still sees me remain in pain.


The only thing that has kept me from crossing into Crazy Land is remembering.

Remembering to trust my Loving Father who provides, and knows, and satisfies all my needs.
Remembering to be thankful for the little things.
Remembering WHO I have around me.
Remembering to have compassion for others in pain.
Remembering that God will care for my family.
Remembering....

Silence.

Sorry about the silence.

I have sat down to write but haven't had the energy to edit and reword things to communicate my thoughts clearly.  It also has often seemed pointless to write at all.

So I end up deleting everything I do write and thus...

silence.

But to be honest about my life I need to share even the things that are painful.  Even if I fear I cannot communicate very well.

Most people are unaware the of the spiritual and emotional pain I am going through because of my silence.  A small part of me wants to scream it out so the world knows but most of me doesn't want to take the effort to explain.  The depth and fullness is indescribable.  When someone deals with continual pain 24/7, 365 days/year it wears on one's mind, soul and body.

I thank the Lord continually that I'm surrounded by people who love me and want to understand.  I am thankful for family and friends who are a constant help.

Maybe the insanity I feel comes from the fact that I am physically function-able.  Yet unpredictably my head pain and nausea/dizziness make cause me to be un-function-able quite often.

I am beyond weary of this sickness.   Beyond weary.

I have been in pain for so long that I have gone through many stages emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I have gained perspective on life

and grown in compassion for the many, many individuals whose lives are constant pain.

My faith has been tested -will I remain steadfast in Truth, in hope?
         (It's not easy to trust God when things don't make sense or when what He has laid out for me doesn't seem to glorify Him and nor use my full potential to bring others to Christ.  My heart wants to serve God deeply but I often feel limited in my capacity.)

I've experienced a depth of
discouragement, 
       despair, 
             and hopelessness that I never thought possible to fall into.  (A result of long term pain going on day after day, after day.)

I've suffered deep grief over the effects of my pain on my family.

I've been through the crazy combination of
emotionally doubting God
             while at the same time holding onto the Truth
               that is in God's Word.

How do I explain all that?  Especially when I'm neck deep in all of it.

Thus, my silence.

BUT that is also the reason I've decided to let you in on the struggles of my life...while I'm in the middle of it all.

Have you ever watched a movie that in the beginning was great, the middle was great, then at the end the main character dies or something tragic happens? 
....it leaves you yelling at the movie, "what?!  You can't end like that!"

We want happy endings.

We want things to work out the way that seems best to us and leaves us feeling good.

Have you noticed that practically most inspirational stories are ones where tragedy has struck but they've overcome and are now living happy?
We hear about their struggles after they have passed through it and are on the other side.


Well, to be honest with you those stories have brought me to tears.  Why?  Because there is no "light at the end of the tunnel" yet for me.  I'm stuck in the middle and have had to rest in the fact that this might be my life.  Hopefully not.  Hopefully doctors will find answers.  But after 4 years of nothing I cannot keep hoping only to have those hopes dashed once again.
 

Real life does not have those story book endings.
 

Yes, to those who have trusted in Christ as their Savior our happy ending is Eternal Life in God's presence.  And nothing, nothing can compare with that.  That promise I hold onto tightly.


But really, who wants suffering all their life?  Most of us want "happy endings" even here on earth...we would even put up with "mediocre endings"...but never suffering! 


Please, don't get me wrong.  I'm not complaining.  My heart recognizes that there are situations far more tragic than my own.


I have much, MUCH to be thankful for.  That is probably the only thing that keeps me from going totally insane: positioning my thinking on thankfulness.

Although I don't feel much joy and peace right now I was reminded the other day:
often joy and peace come when I am fighting the good fight and have remained steadfast.

Overcome.  

I have not given into temptation.  I have listened to the Holy Spirit.
THAT is a reason to rejoice!

Where are you at in life?

Are you worn out?  Are the storms raging?

Have you gone through difficulty?

Remain steadfast.

Are you in a season of comfort?

  

Do you need to prepare yourself for when suffering hits?

Be ready.  

It is the only way to remain steadfast.  

I would have given up a long time ago if God had not prepared my heart for this, years ago.

Isaiah 26:3,4

The steadfast of mind Thou wilt keep in perfect peace,

Because he trusts in Thee.

Trust in the Lord forever,

For in God the Lord, we have an everlasting Rock.

2 Corinthians 2:14-15; 3:4-5

But thanks be to God, who always leads us in His triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place.

For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing...

...And such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.