Wow, huge scar

SCARY, huh?!

A much bigger incision than I had anticipated!

It is Friday at 5:30pm, a day 1/2 after surgery and this is the first time my head is not throbbing.  If 1 is good and 10 is throwing up, the usual pain has been between 7 & 8.
Tight now it is at a 4.  Because they had to cut through a jaw muscle my right jaw is severely sore and will continue to be for a few weeks.  the medicine they gave me to help with swelling caused me to puke over and over last night.
the doctors and nurses here are AMAZING.  So nice, respectful, and concerned for my best.
Tonight is my first meal.  I don't know how much I'll be able to eat with so much pain in my jaw but with little bites my tummy will finally get something filling.
I'll probably get discharged tomorrow and will fly home late sunday night.

Thankk you, thank you for praying and giving words of encouragement.  they have been priceless.
I know it's going to still be a long recovery but at least I'm on that path.
Keep the hairstyle ideas coming.  I have two hats I bought while here that I'll be wearing, but I'm not sure how comfortable they'll be on the staples.
Now if I can just stay awake long enough to eat my dinner.
Much love,
Jenn

Day before surgery

Can I just run away and forget all of this?
WEDNESDAY
Picked up Andrew from the airport.  Yeay!

Met with the surgen.

They will shave more hair than I thought and will have a bigger incision than I thought.
Here's what my hair looks like right now:

1/2 of my head will be shaved tomorrow morning.  From the middle down to my ear.
I'm okay about it.  Hair is hair (I say that now, but we'll see how I feel when I look in the mirror in a few days).  But I'm stummped at how to style it.

HOW ABOUT A CONTEST?

I'll give a prize to whoever can pick the best hairstyle for after my head gets shaved.  I give you "after" pictures in a few days so you can see how much hair is left to work with.

See the big white "heart" on the middle, left?  That's my tumor -meningioma.

See ya buddy.  You're out of here!

MONDAY
I'm in Arizona!
I went through a bunch of tests yesterday all in preparation for surgery.
It was a long day. The afternoon was pretty much seeing one seeing one person after another and waiting in-between (translation: dozing in waiting room as much as possible).
All in all it would've been fine if I were a normal person but alas, this exhaustion thing makes it nasty.

The evening was a quiet one.
It surprised me how alone I felt.
I turned off the T.V.& spent some time reading from my Bible. This past week I have had a couple wonderful gifts from friends. One of which were letters with scripture on them. I read some of them and prayed, letting His truth sink in deeply. Please, don't let that sound super spiritual or anything. My heart was desperately slipping into fear. God promises peace to those who keep their eyes focused on Him and meditate on His Word, so that us what I did.

TUESDAY
Woke up with a headache...I think it was the bed.
I made b-fast, watched some news, took a nap.
Yes, took a nap at 9am (That's what my days are usually like).
Found an awesome mall to shop at.
Could hardly function after only 30 min and crashed on a couch in Nordstome's Women's Loung
(AKA bathroom).
After dozing for a while I was able to shop some more.

I went & played dress-up -looking for hats.
Pictures to come

SURGERY

 A couple years ago, in the process of trying to figure out the cause of my headaches, we found out that I have a small tumor, called a meningioma, on the lining outside of my brain.  It was small and the dr's said that the way it was positioned that it wasn't in a place to cause any pressure or interference on the brain...meaning that it wasn't causing my headaches.  They said it looked like it wasn't growing and to just monitor it every couple of years just to be sure.
Fast forward 2 years...
             The tumor is growing.
                      It's already a size and a half bigger than it was.
The Dr. says it needs to come out.

Yikes!

I am traveling to the Mayo Clinic in AZ to have the surgery done.  I've been there quite a few times and have loved the staff and patient care shown, it was an easy choice.

Surgery date:

Thursday

6am

Every once in a while I freak out about the thought.
There's just something about drilling into the skull and being near the brain that makes me nervous ...I mean it's not like it's the control center for the body, oh wait...it is!
Although, I know that the doctors are very familiar with this kind of surgery.  I'm not so much fearful about surgery as much as the recovering from surgery.  My body does NOT do well with medication.  It seems that every surgery I've had has been like facing a slow torturous death in the day or two afterwords.  Horrid.  Unbearable, yet no choice but to bear it.  That's what I fear.

A few days ago on FaceBook I posted my definition of PEACE:
realizing what is out of my control and what is in God's control: smiling at the future "because my God provides all my needs according to the riches that are in Christ Jesus my Lord"...the way may be rough and painful, but He who carries me through is Faithful.

Thank you dear friends,

for encouraging me, holding me up in prayer.

I, or Andrew, will keep you updated

A garden for Miss Mouse

 One of my favorite books growing up:

 

Miss Mouse was bored of her small garden she grew every year so she decided to dig up all the dirt around her house and plant and plant.  It grew bigger than she expected!

 Her garden even began growing INTO her house.

 It was such a fun story that ended with all of Mouseville working together to rescue Miss Mouse stuck in her house by picking all the veggies then enjoying their work by eating salad together.

Our family has always loved to plant and grow gardens. Small, manageable ones.
Although we did not dig up all around our house, this year we decided to expand our garden area quite a bit.

We also experimented with a few ideas.

We prepped the ground as much as we could.

&

For the first time we planted from seed.

It's exciting watching the seeds sprout and grow... every morning it seems they've grown an inch.

A Week after planting:

 

The same plant a week or so after the picture taken above:

 

This is a great way for the family to hang out together.  Once a week we all gather together to pull weeds.  The kids are not super excited about this part of a garden :) but Andrew and I really enjoy being able to chat and work together.
A garden takes work.
Lots of it.
But hard work can be rewarding.
Now, if only we can keep those pesty bugs from nibbling too much!

Advantage

Joshua is playing football with his school this year.

What a great experience this has been for him.  

Most people look at him 

and see his height as a disadvantage 

but he uses it as an advantage.   

He's a fast runner and smart thinker 

- weaving in and out 

and around other players 

before they even realize what's happening. 

 You can identify Joshua by his blond hair:

 Strategic planning with Dad

Silence.

Sorry about the silence.

I have sat down to write but haven't had the energy to edit and reword things to communicate my thoughts clearly.  It also has often seemed pointless to write at all.

So I end up deleting everything I do write and thus...

silence.

But to be honest about my life I need to share even the things that are painful.  Even if I fear I cannot communicate very well.

Most people are unaware the of the spiritual and emotional pain I am going through because of my silence.  A small part of me wants to scream it out so the world knows but most of me doesn't want to take the effort to explain.  The depth and fullness is indescribable.  When someone deals with continual pain 24/7, 365 days/year it wears on one's mind, soul and body.

I thank the Lord continually that I'm surrounded by people who love me and want to understand.  I am thankful for family and friends who are a constant help.

Maybe the insanity I feel comes from the fact that I am physically function-able.  Yet unpredictably my head pain and nausea/dizziness make cause me to be un-function-able quite often.

I am beyond weary of this sickness.   Beyond weary.

I have been in pain for so long that I have gone through many stages emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I have gained perspective on life

and grown in compassion for the many, many individuals whose lives are constant pain.

My faith has been tested -will I remain steadfast in Truth, in hope?
         (It's not easy to trust God when things don't make sense or when what He has laid out for me doesn't seem to glorify Him and nor use my full potential to bring others to Christ.  My heart wants to serve God deeply but I often feel limited in my capacity.)

I've experienced a depth of
discouragement, 
       despair, 
             and hopelessness that I never thought possible to fall into.  (A result of long term pain going on day after day, after day.)

I've suffered deep grief over the effects of my pain on my family.

I've been through the crazy combination of
emotionally doubting God
             while at the same time holding onto the Truth
               that is in God's Word.

How do I explain all that?  Especially when I'm neck deep in all of it.

Thus, my silence.

BUT that is also the reason I've decided to let you in on the struggles of my life...while I'm in the middle of it all.

Have you ever watched a movie that in the beginning was great, the middle was great, then at the end the main character dies or something tragic happens? 
....it leaves you yelling at the movie, "what?!  You can't end like that!"

We want happy endings.

We want things to work out the way that seems best to us and leaves us feeling good.

Have you noticed that practically most inspirational stories are ones where tragedy has struck but they've overcome and are now living happy?
We hear about their struggles after they have passed through it and are on the other side.


Well, to be honest with you those stories have brought me to tears.  Why?  Because there is no "light at the end of the tunnel" yet for me.  I'm stuck in the middle and have had to rest in the fact that this might be my life.  Hopefully not.  Hopefully doctors will find answers.  But after 4 years of nothing I cannot keep hoping only to have those hopes dashed once again.
 

Real life does not have those story book endings.
 

Yes, to those who have trusted in Christ as their Savior our happy ending is Eternal Life in God's presence.  And nothing, nothing can compare with that.  That promise I hold onto tightly.


But really, who wants suffering all their life?  Most of us want "happy endings" even here on earth...we would even put up with "mediocre endings"...but never suffering! 


Please, don't get me wrong.  I'm not complaining.  My heart recognizes that there are situations far more tragic than my own.


I have much, MUCH to be thankful for.  That is probably the only thing that keeps me from going totally insane: positioning my thinking on thankfulness.

Although I don't feel much joy and peace right now I was reminded the other day:
often joy and peace come when I am fighting the good fight and have remained steadfast.

Overcome.  

I have not given into temptation.  I have listened to the Holy Spirit.
THAT is a reason to rejoice!

Where are you at in life?

Are you worn out?  Are the storms raging?

Have you gone through difficulty?

Remain steadfast.

Are you in a season of comfort?

  

Do you need to prepare yourself for when suffering hits?

Be ready.  

It is the only way to remain steadfast.  

I would have given up a long time ago if God had not prepared my heart for this, years ago.

Isaiah 26:3,4

The steadfast of mind Thou wilt keep in perfect peace,

Because he trusts in Thee.

Trust in the Lord forever,

For in God the Lord, we have an everlasting Rock.

2 Corinthians 2:14-15; 3:4-5

But thanks be to God, who always leads us in His triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place.

For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing...

...And such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.