Silence.
Sorry about the silence.
I
have sat down to write but haven't had the energy to edit and reword
things to communicate my thoughts clearly. It also has often seemed
pointless to write at all.
So I end up deleting everything I
do write and thus...
silence.
But to be honest about my life I need to share even the things that are painful. Even if I fear I cannot communicate very well.
Most
people are unaware the of the spiritual and emotional pain I am going
through because of my silence. A small part of me wants to scream it
out so the world knows
but most of me doesn't want to take the effort to explain. The depth and fullness is
indescribable. When someone deals with continual pain 24/7, 365 days/year it wears on one's mind, soul and body.
I
thank the Lord continually that I'm surrounded by people who love me
and want to understand. I am thankful for family and friends who are a
constant help.
Maybe the insanity I feel comes from the fact that I am
physically function-able. Yet
unpredictably my head pain and nausea/dizziness make cause me to be
un-function-able quite often.
I am beyond weary of this sickness. Beyond weary.
I have been in pain for so long that I have gone through many stages emotionally, mentally, and physically.
I have gained
perspective on life
and grown in
compassion for the many, many individuals whose lives are constant pain.
My faith has been
tested -will I remain steadfast in Truth, in hope?
(It's not easy to
trust God when things don't make sense or when what He has laid out for me
doesn't seem to glorify Him
and nor use my full potential to bring others to Christ. My heart
wants to serve God deeply but I often feel limited in my capacity.)
I've experienced a depth of
discouragement,
despair,
and
hopelessness that I never thought possible to fall into. (A result of long term pain going on day after day,
after day.)
I've suffered
deep grief over the effects of my pain on my family.
I've been through the crazy combination of
emotionally
doubting God
while at the same time
holding onto the Truth
that is in God's Word.
How do I explain all that? Especially when I'm neck deep in all of it.
Thus, my silence.
BUT that is also the reason I've decided to let you in on the struggles of my life...while I'm in the middle of it all.
Have you ever watched a movie that in the
beginning was great, the
middle was great, then at the
end the main character dies or something tragic happens?
....it leaves you yelling at the movie, "what?! You can't end like that!"
We want happy endings.
We want things to work out the way that seems best to us and leaves us feeling good.
Have
you noticed that practically most inspirational stories are ones where
tragedy has struck but they've overcome and are now living happy?
We hear about their struggles
after they have passed through it and are on the other side.
Well, to be honest with you those stories have brought me to tears. Why? Because there
is no
"light at the end of the tunnel" yet for me. I'm stuck in the middle
and have had to rest in the fact that this might be my life. Hopefully
not. Hopefully doctors will find answers. But after 4 years of
nothing I cannot keep hoping only to have those hopes dashed once again.
Real life does not have those story book endings.
Yes, to those who have trusted in Christ as their Savior our happy ending is Eternal Life in God's presence. And nothing, nothing can compare with that. That promise I hold onto tightly.
But really, who wants suffering all their life? Most
of us want "happy endings" even here on earth...we would even put up
with "mediocre endings"...but never suffering!
Please, don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. My heart recognizes that there are situations far more tragic than my own.
I have much, MUCH to be thankful for. That is
probably the only thing that keeps me from going totally insane:
positioning my thinking on thankfulness.
Although I don't feel much joy and peace right now I was reminded the other day:
often joy and peace come when I am fighting the good fight and have remained steadfast.
Overcome.
I have not given into temptation. I have listened to the Holy Spirit.
THAT is a reason to rejoice!
Where are you at in life?
Are you worn out? Are the storms raging?
Have you gone through difficulty?
Remain steadfast.
Are you in a season of comfort?
Do you need to prepare yourself for when suffering hits?
Be ready.
It is the only way to remain steadfast.
I would have given up a long time ago if God had not prepared my heart for this, years ago.
Isaiah 26:3,4
The steadfast of mind Thou wilt keep in perfect peace,
Because he trusts in Thee.
Trust in the Lord forever,
For in God the Lord, we have an everlasting Rock.
2 Corinthians 2:14-15; 3:4-5
But thanks be to God,
who always leads us in His triumph in Christ, and manifests through us
the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place.
For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing...
...And such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.
